As our bus was racing down the highway toward Boston yesterday, I was absentmindedly looking out the window.
It wasn’t an unfamiliar scene – trees whizzing past in a homogeneous blur, sky static in the background, anchoring the dizzy trees – but, perhaps due to my ample free time, it took on new meaning.
It was a great visual representation of how I often experience the passage of time. And even how I feel, much of the time. (I have an affinity for finding visual/physical representations of things that are not physical.)
I frequently feel like a passive observer to time flying past me, and I’m struggling to catch up. “I’m almost finished with college, shouldn’t I have a plan?” “Why didn’t I start working on ____ earlier?” “How has it been x years since I stopped dancing/moved to New York/etc?” “Why haven’t I done more with myself?” “Why can’t I stick with anything?” Such is the effect of the trees.
My sky is both good and bad. Both people and behaviors. Trends and thoughts.
I’m not really sure if I have a conclusion here. Except, I suppose, that this is a feeling I’ve dreaded and always vowed to avoid. It’s the feeling of the 9 to 5. Of imminent graduation. Of fear of failure.
My general observation is that I feel I am not in control of the speed of the “trees.” That, at least, is something I can hope to change.
Am I alone in this?
The following image made me a bit queasy, but I felt it was appropriate.
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